The Ins and Outs of Relationships: the jigsaw pieces of our lives

You’d think that at almost 70, I would’ve got the “Ins and Outs” of myself and my relationships worked out. Just when I think I’ve got things wired, stuff roars back from my past for another round of “consciousness awakening, deepening, and healing.” Allow me to explain.

 I define my “Outs” as my side of an issue, what I perceive as my side in a potential conflict with another. It’s what I define as “the problem” to be solved between myself and, say, my partner. My “Outs” is my side of the problem, and my partner’s “Outs” is her side of it. 

 So, I look at my “Outs” and her “Outs” and figure, “Okay, let’s collaborate, let’s solve this, let’s get some solutions going as long as the solutions resolve my “Outs.” Because, after all, my “Outs” are all that really matter!!! Right?? (Tongue in cheek).

 But often, what I fail to see, or unconsciously cannot see, is that my “Outs” are generated from my “Ins.” My “Ins” are the unconscious (or barely sub-conscious) issues from my past. It’s all the stuff that percolates up from my past and generates the power of the emotions I feel about my “Outs.” It’s what makes my Outs seem so powerfully important, almost more important than my partner’s Outs. And of course, the Ins of my partner make her Outs feel more important and powerful to her than mine.

 You might be thinking, “Steve, this is nothing new. We all know this. Unresolved issues from our past get triggered by conflict.” Well, that’s true. But what I’ve realized lately is that there’s never a time when I open my mouth to express my Outs that I and my partner are not dealing with my Ins, and vice versa, hers as well. I guess what I’m saying in a nutshell is that my Outs are my Ins. My past, present, and even future consist of one, continuous flow. So, to hear me express my Outs is to know the subtleties and power of my Ins-experiences that, many times, I’m not even aware of but are always there influencing the content and power of my Outs.

 That being said, I’m beginning more and more to stop myself when I sense there is a problem to be solved. I’m asking myself, “Why is this issue so important and how does it relate to the Ins of my past?” Because my Ins are my Outs, each and every time.

 My problem is that sometimes I’m not aware of how my Ins are affecting my Outs at that moment. I just know I have to be “right” in a conflict with my partner, get it? It isn’t until later that I step back and realize how the Outs I was pushing on my partner actually came from my Ins. 

 What I’m learning, and maybe you too, is that before I go barreling into expressing my Outs, maybe I need to pull back and ask what Ins are being activated. Once I understand that, maybe my Outs won’t be so powerful or wronged or hurt or whatever. And the solutions will come so much more easily and gently. But on the other hand, if I don’t know what Ins are influencing me, maybe I need to stop and not share my Outs with my partner until I know what Ins are having their way with me. Sounds like a good idea, don’t you think?

 Of course what comes up from our Ins often needs healing. But that’s another topic for another time.  Blessings, Steve Bull, Transforming Lives

 Visit our website: transforming-lives.us